Making Time To Talk About It

When you are in the throws of infidelity, particualrly at the beginning, it can be difficult to have productive conversations. Timing is everything! So in this edition I want to help you have more productive conversations.

You Need To Express Your Thoughts and Feelings

When you have been bretayed, you want to talk about how you feel. If you are the unfaithful partner (UP) then you may not be so gungho about talking about feelings, however it is necessary to allow your partner share. Research shows that if you have the need to talk about the affair and how it has changed your life, you must have an outlet for it.

As the U.P. it may be hard to hear what your partner says about their feelings. You may be already dealing with shame which would make it harder for you to listen. But understand, your partner needs that space.

As the betrayed partner (B.P.), you want to make sure that what you express is genuine but not hurtful.

No Need To Throw Stones

During the time when Jesus walked the earth, adultery was not only a sin, but it was against the law, punishable by death. That capital punishment sentence would normally be carried out by "throwing stones" until the person is dead.

As the BP, you do not have to throw stones at your partner when you share how you feel. As a matter of fact, if your goal in talking about the infidelity is to hurt your partner because they hurt you then you are going to more damage to your marriage. Remember, it is YOUR marriage...the one you are apart of.

Talk About You, Not Them

One of the quickest ways to derail a onversation is by blaming. To avoid blaming, you guys need to practie using I-statements. It's just like it sounds...when you share you talk about your thoughts and your feelings in first-person. For example, instead of saying, "You ruined our marriage," you can say, "I feel overwhelmed by your actions." Saying 'I am devastated' is better than 'you broke my heart.'

Plan The Time

Finally, you want to plan a time to talk, especially if you are still in the beginning stages when there is a lot of conversation about what happened. Having marathon conversations may work initially, but eventually you guys have to get back to life. In this case, plan a time when yu guys will talk about the infidelity. Schedule a time that orks for both of you and make sure that you are available at that time

I hope this was helpful you. Stay tuned...